You Want To Drink My What???

How does a female CUSTOMER walk out of a strip club drunk, $540 richer without removing one article of clothing? She recruits and donates urine to a very thirsty man who likes to drink PISS!!!

As disgusting as it may sound, I am even more embarrassed to admit this man was MY DATE. After this night I added “Do you drink piss” to my list of common and yet bizarre dating questions I have learned to ask during my years of dating.

I had been dating this man only month, the sex was great but could be better. As always, I was in a feisty and horny mood and suggested we go to a strip club. Besides from admiring beautiful women, I had my own sexual fantasy to fulfill. I am not a jealous woman but I get turned on when I am made jealous. I wanted to get a private room, watch women grab, suck and dry hump his dick and when I couldn’t control it anymore order the women out, dominate and fuck his brains out with the words “Yes Master” only coming from his mouth.

Needless to say, my fantasy was thrown a slight curve ball….

We agreed to sit in the main room near main stage, warm up our sexual tensions, get a few “nice” lap dances and recruit dancers to the private room or sky box as they called it. It was BYOB so we had purchased ice for the beer and shot glasses for the vodka. We later had to purchase beer glasses when we learned the dancers could only drink from a glass to appear more lady-like. (WTF, there is nothing lady like about a strip club.)

When we got settled at our table, I started to prowl for the hot, “bad” girl who would bring out my jealous side. I am very picky when it comes to women. I like mostly brunettes, who can dance, confident in their body, sexy, intelligent, and sophisticated but above all, they MUST be a sexual freak. I know that is high standards to seek with women in general, especially in a strip club, but there were a few women who came close to meeting all of the above.

I was tipping the girls, he was getting close to “blue ball” lap dances and I projected my fantasy would soon be fulfilled, that was until I excused myself to the bathroom….

He grabbed my arm, whispered loudly in my ear above the loud music being played:

“Will you pee in this cup so I can drink it”?

I was taken aback by this odd request and thought surely he is not serious. Hey, game on I thought. I pissed in the glass, carried what looked like beer to our table, set it in front of him and dared him to drink it as he requested.

I was speechless. I didn’t have to ask if he liked it, the look of admiration on his face said it all. I watched him sip my piss as if it was a $150 dollar glass of the finest brandy.

At this time a woman I had tipped on main stage joined our party. I requested she dance for him and she did. He was not into the fully naked woman that was all over his dick as I was. He quickly paid her, invited her to stay by pouring her a beer in a non-piss glass, and he continued to sip what she thought was beer. When my piss was almost gone he whispered in my ear again, “Will you ask her to pee in a cup? I will give her $20 bucks and you $20”.

The ladies were also not allowed to smoke on the floor so I asked if she wanted to go to the bathroom for a smoke break. I followed her, making sure to carry an empty beer glass, we both lit our cigarette when I asked: (NOTE: at this point I mentioned friend, not boyfriend or date.)

“My friend will give you $20 if you pee in this glass so he can drink it?” Whew, I said it I thought.

Stripper: ”What? That’s disgusting! He’s really going to pay me $20 bucks to piss in a cup?”

I nodded yes.

She did it, carried the glass full of piss to the table and collected her $20 bill as did I.

My fantasy was now drifting away. He proclaimed, “No more lap dances”, instead he had PISS on his mind and I was his wing woman. Word must have gotten around in the dressing room because women were happy to donate their piss and collect their $20 bucks. At one point, I had counted 22 glasses of urine sitting on our table for him to drink. He was now chugging the pee like shots, and I was cringing in disgust. At this point, the club went from smelling like pussy and alcohol to reeking of urine, and became a LabCorp instead of a Gentleman’s Club.

Throughout the night he wanted me to sit in his lap, as he drank piss AND often tried to lean in for a kiss!!! NO, I didn’t nor could I do it, he now disgusted me! I wanted to leave, go home, masturbate and never see or talk to the “PISS” drinker again. But first I had to ask the million dollar question myself and all the piss donors wanted to know, “Why do you like drinking piss?”

“When I was twelve, my sister made me drink her pee. It was very erotic and have liked it ever since”.

“Check please”, I yelled. I can’t believe I fucked this man.

As the waitress was getting our check, a manager approached the table and asked us to leave. THANK GOD!!!

Walking out of the club, the “piss drinker” said:

“I don’t know why they asked us to leave. We were very respectful to the dancers. We didn’t do anything wrong”.

The next day I bought five gallons of bleach with the $540 I well-earned, and for a week I soaked and bathed in a bathtub full of bleach.

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ATTENTION MARRIED MEN: Please do one or all of the following; Don’t cheat, Don’t marry jealous women and please keep your wife in line!!

I recently text messaged all my married guy friends, most of which I have known since elementary school, to delete my number to avoid any and all future drama such as the following…..

After the recent sex proposals from three different men in my “friend list” on Face book, I was awoken the other day at 6AM by the following text message:

“How do you know my husband? This is his wife, and I would like to know who you are?”

The number associated with this text was not in my contact list so I scrolled up to see if there were earlier text messages. There were four short, yet brief text messages that revealed whose wife was messaging me. Why she didn’t attempt to be discreet and message me from her phone, I don’t know. She was married to one of my old college friends, whom I had no intimate relations with back in the day, had not seen in 12 years, and briefly spoke to last week when we reunited on Face book. He had instant messaged me one day just as I was about to leave the office. It was not an easy task to continue via messaging on the face book app on my phone while I was now driving, so I gave him my phone number so he could call and continue our conversation. He called shortly after and we chatted for about 20 minutes while he was gardening with the wife on the front lawn. I could hear the wife in the background and he occasionally yelled at the kids not to get in the street. We talked, asked and answered the common “what have you been up to questions” and that was it!!! I hadn’t directly spoken to him since and all future communication consisted only of comments we would make on one another’s wall on Face book.

Half asleep, frustrated and now royally pissed off due to the recent sex proposals from my FB married male friends, this woman had no idea I was not in the FUCKING mood to deal with childish and completely unnecessary drama as a result of their unhappy, unfaithful and fucked up marriage as I could already anticipate. Before I got in the shower for work, I replied with the following text message:

“I know your husband from college. I haven’t seen him in 12 years and recently reunited on Face book. Why do you ask?”

I knew exactly why she asked, but wanted her to openly accuse me of fucking her husband so I could rip into her about her inaccurate/jealous and inappropriate behavior that was obviously geared towards the WRONG woman, which was ME. Again, I was not in the fucking mood!!

I received the following reply message:

“Ok thanks…didn’t mean to sound rude. He and I are currently in a fight and he tends to do stuff like this. He never told me about you so I assumed it was something bad. He used to cheat until we got back together, and things were going good when we got back together. You are the second old acquaintance he has hid from me. I am sure your intentions are good but can’t say that about him. Who knows what he is thinking right now. Thanks for texting me back. Take care.”

I was relieved by her response and did not initiate further communication. Later that day, her husband, my old friend instant messaged me on FB asking “What’s up?” I was a little pissed off by his nonchalant behavior and asked him to lose my number and told him why. He responded:

“She text messaged you from my phone? Don’t worry about her, I will handle it. She is crazy”, he proclaimed.

I thought the situation was forgotten and solved until two days later when I receive the following text:

“Why don’t you admit your sleeping with my husband!!!”

I responded, “IF YOU WANT TO TALK, THEN CALL!”

When she called minutes later, I was so pissed off I had a blackout moment. I don’t exactly remember what I said but when I was finished I heard crying on the other end. She apologized for the wrongful acquisition and our conversation continued for three hours. I don’t remember saying much but rather listening to an unhappy married woman that disclosed intimate details of her marriage including and not limited to infidelity, sex, fighting etc.

Despite being a woman who is highly unqualified, I played the role of Mrs. Dr Phil, gave her my advice on their marriage problems, wished her luck and hoped all future communication would cease.

Thankfully, I have not heard from either of them since, and hoping I made my point and their marriage is back on track.

Unfortunately, this was not the first text message I have received from a wife accusing me of sleeping with her husband.

I work in property management and before I moved back to Texas from Florida, a man in his early 50’s came to my office looking for an apartment. When I asked for his driver’s license, which is standard procedure before showing an apartment, he handed me a Texas DL and immediately developed a connection. I was trying to move back to Texas to be closer to my family and he was leaving Texas to purchase a golf course in Florida, and was currently going through a divorce. We were both lonely in different ways and began hanging out every day whether it was texting, calling, dinner or drinks. For months I had listened patiently as he vented about his wife cheating on him with her high school sweetheart. Most of these conversations resulted in me hugging him when he broke down in tears after mentioning his wife. I remember thinking, “This is a good man whom is still very much in love with his wife of 25 years.” I hated to see him go through this. There was not a sexual relationship between him and I, but rather a true and honest friendship.

When summer came his kids came to visit him in Florida and I didn’t see him for two months. Two weeks before I was about to move back to Texas, I get the following text message:

“This is, so and so wife. What’s your relationship with my husband”?

It kind of took me off guard being I hadn’t seen or talked to her husband in two months. I had responded the truth and said her husband was only a friend. I no longer have those text messages so I can’t quote further conversation but the accusations and dialogue was getting out of control. No matter what I said she didn’t believe me. She said she looked at his cell phone records and saw the overwhelming daily calls and text messages sent to one another. We were getting nowhere so I suggested her call instead of texting, after all I had nothing to hide.

I was quick to convince her that her husband and I were nothing more than friends. Without going into too much detail I informed her of the love he still had for her despite her infidelity. She never denied cheating but like the previous wife, she gave me a detailed breakdown of their marriage difficulties that didn’t last three DAYS.

Finally she was done venting and our communication drifted. I occasionally get a text message from her wishing me a happy holiday, like I did today for Easter. I have not talked to her or her husband in over a year. I hope they worked out their marriage problems, and or hope they both are happy and doing well.

I can’t help but think that IF I sleep with a married man and get the “what’s your relationship with my husband” text, what the wife would say when I give her the answer she doesn’t want to hear. Sorry but if you don’t want to know the truth, don’t ask!!

I am NOT a marriage counselor, so please take your marriage problems elsewhere!!!

Do I have a sign stuck to my ass that reads “IF YOUR UNHAPPILY MARRIED AND MY FACE BOOK FRIEND, FOLLOW ME!!!”

I have always had strong beliefs against infidelity in marriages. Although I have never been married, my relationship rules have been Don’t Lie, Don’t Cheat and Don’t Hit Me!! Then recently, my  beliefs on infidelity were put to the test when three different MARRIED men in my friend list on Face book proposed sex.

(NOTE: I was about to post this blog when I read an article about how 20 percent of divorces last year were a result of Face book infidelity. I wish I had acquired this knowledge two months ago, I would have been more prepared)

I have never been active on Face book. I didn’t see the point in broadcasting my whereabouts and or complementing and ranting about my day when I could utilize my time more productively.

I created a Face book page four years ago but was inconsistent during the two months I was active, and nonexistent for the next four years.

I recently moved back to Texas from Florida and due to my absence, all contact was lost with old friends. I figured Face book would be a good avenue to reconnect. I couldn’t remember my email and password for my previous Face book account, and after contacting FB about this matter, I had to create a new account.

One night I started searching names, sent friend requests, and searched in their friend list for those people I had forgotten. At the time I disregarded their “info” page with the intention of reading it later. For the most part, a profile picture gave me a general idea of their current lifestyle status such as a couple holding a baby or them solo holding a beer.

In the process of sending friend requests, almost simultaneously I had received three instant messages from three different male childhood friends.

I chatted with them each for about an hour on the usual “What have you been up to” questions. They talked about their marriage and kids, and I shared my recent ex-convict boyfriend story and adventure in Florida.

Eventually, they each suggested they wanted to meet me and reunite over a “casual” drink and or dinner. I asked them when and where they would like to meet. The following is a summary of the men and their responses:

Guy #1

He had lived a few streets back from me, knew of him, but we never spoke more than two sentences. He was the “trouble maker” and obviously didn’t share the same circle of friends. Honestly, I was shocked that he had remembered me and even more surprised when he said he had a crush on me in those days. (Haha, whatever, not buying it). He looked different without the silver chains around his neck, and took a few moments to process the family photo he sent me with the wife and kids. He was quite scary back then but now appeared to be above normal so I accepted his invitation to meet and reunite. I was about to suggest Starbucks but instead made the mistake asking the broad and open ended question, “where and what did you have in mind?”

Guy #1: Well, do you live alone?

Me: Yes

Guy #1: Well, since you’re off Monday, I can take a half day off from work, come over at 1ish, pick up takeout and a FEW bottles of wine. We can relax, lounge and catch up in a comfortable setting. I do however need to be home for dinner with the wife and kids by 6.

Is that a sex invitation I thought? I scroll up to view our messages but saw no such dialogue that would give him the impression, “I Wanted to Fuck!!” He’s married with kids, not that it matters I thought. Surely he does not want to exchange lunch and wine for a piece of ASS. I was a little stumped, so I thought I would compromise and asked:

Me: What about Starbucks?

Guy #1: Silence…..I am still waiting for a response.

One guy down, two to go…..

Guy #2

Back in the day, this man was smart, good looking, a stud football player and dated one of my best friends throughout junior high. After high school we lost touch, but throughout the years friends would comment on his whereabouts and was often described as “alcoholic”, “fat”, “player”, etc.  When he informed me about his wife and kids I was intrigued as to how this “special” woman, his wife, helped him clean up his act, or if it was a “let’s get married because we’re pregnant” situation. It didn’t matter, I was very impressed and happy for him. He too said he was “happy and grateful for his family and all the blessings GOD continued to put into his life”. I really looked forward to seeing me and when he asked, “when do you want to meet”, I said:

Me: My schedule is flexible. Let me know when is good for you. I also wouldn’t mind meeting your family.

Guy#2: Things have been hectic lately, how about “blank” weekend? The wife is taking the kids on a mini road trip to visit her mother. We can have dinner and if you want afterwards you can come to my house. We can watch movies and play the night by ear.

Only one thought comes to mind, WHAT THE FUCK???? Is this ANOTHER fucking sex invitation??? What about the “grateful”, “GOD” and “blessings” bullshit he mentioned five minutes earlier? Okay, it is possible the message was relayed inaccurately, or I was jumping to conclusions because of the conversation with Guy #1. I sent the following reply:

Me: What do you mean, “Play the night by ear”?

A long pause….then the instant messaging screen said he was tying so after a few minutes when it showed he was still tying, I was prepared to read a book. He must have wrote, deleted, wrote, deleted, trying to figure out what he was going to say because I got the following reply:

Guy #2: You know, have fun, no rules and play out the night with our imaginationJ.

Some people never do change I thought. I rolled my eyes and closed instant messaging screen without a response. I started to have remorse for the wife’s of both Guy #1 and #2. Maybe I need to rethink my future goal of finding a husband and getting married I thought.

Two guys down and one still standing.

Now all my attention was focused on Guy #3, who happened to be my sweetheart and first kiss. A guy I often thought about throughout the years such as where and what he was up to, but more importantly wanted to know if he was single. We never explored past French kissing but had always wanted and regretted him NOT being the one to take my virginity. Needless to say, I was slightly disappointed when I found out he was married and had a daughter. If he was happy, so was I. I always wanted the best for him, despite how WET I was becoming just by chatting with him

While chatting, I visited his Face book wall, and there were an overwhelming number of people whom posted “Happy Anniversary”. Indeed, today was their 3 years wedding anniversary. I couldn’t help but ask him “What the hell are you doing talking to me at 10PM on your anniversary night? Shouldn’t you be having a romantic evening with the wife?”

Needless to say he gave me an ear full about his unhappy marriage that consisted of HER infidelity. It was getting late so I announced I was about to go to bed and asked if he had any more questions for me, not sure when or if we would chat again. I sometimes wonder if the “Do you have any questions for me” was a mistake, because I was not at all prepared, or expecting for what he was about to ask:

Guy #3: I have two questions for you: “Will you fly to “blank” city with me on Monday, stay the week and have the time of our lives”? And will you have sex with me”?

Whoa!!! I pause…….

Wait, why am I pausing I thought? Am I shocked because he bluntly asked to fuck me instead beating around the bush as the other guys did? Not sure.

Do I have a busy work schedule next week I thought? Wait, why am I considering this? I had just labeled Guy #1 and #2 assholes for the premeditated planning of cheating on their wife.

I thought for a moment. For so long I have wanted and waited for the moment to “make love” with Guy #3, but the word “MARRIED” kept popping in my mind. I had never slept with a married man, nor did I desire to, but for some fucked up reason I wasn’t quick to say NO to him.

My mind was racing with thoughts, feelings and emotions. I even had flash backs of the pictures I saw an hour ago of his wife and daughter, not to mention him asking me this question on the same day three years ago, when he vowed to love, cherish and be faithful to this woman for better or worse blah, blah, blah. Never been married so haven’t rehearsed vows, but I assume those words are promised before one says “I do”.

I had two choices:

Choice A: If we EVER meet, I knew for a fact before we hugged, my clothes would already be off.

Choice B: I could NEVER meet him, and pray the forces of nature would keep his far apart so I wouldn’t have the opportunity to put the naughty thoughts of devouring him in every way possible into action.

The cursor was blinking and he was still waiting for my response. Please LORD, remove these horrible thoughts from my mind and restore me to sanity!! Amen.

I took a deep breath, sighed, typed my response and clicked “send”.

I will blog my answer later, but can my readers guess what I said?